Conversations

Do you think I am crazy?

No

I think you are eccentric

You are what I would call walking into an abyss

I never know where my conversations are headed when I am with you and am not even complaining, I quite enjoy that about you.

Oh, you are just saying that because you want me to feel ok

No, why would I do that. I have nothing to lose. I know you quite like me already

How can you be so confident?

I see that when you look at me, I see that when you touch yourself nervously, I see that when you keep looking away after catching my attention, I see that when you blush, I see that when words come out of your mouth all mixed up.

I guess you must know women really well

I would like to say I know them well enough to spot the one I would fall for

Are you saying that you are falling for me

Well what if I am

Then I would say you are crazy
*kiss*

Deja Vu (though am not very fond of the word)

It freaks me out when certain films seem like my life playing out on screen. Does that happen to you?
And it's weird because I have seen 'Suburban Girl' before and never thought about it that way, until it ended the way a certain episode in my life did. 
So Brett (an associate editor at a NY publishing house) falls madly in love with much older, much successful Archie (Baldwin being his usual charming self) and figures out how wrong the whole affair turned for her. 
Also the film features one of my favourite songs, 
"Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don’t feed me violence, just run with me
Through rows of speeding cars
The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee’s never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you, yeah"

I remember saying this to my friends once, " I know, it's nuts, but when I'm with him I feel like a better version of myself... You know? Funnier, smarter, sexier."
Of course the film did not end all that happy but most importantly like Brett says, "Because you like to run away. It's part of who you are". 

Damn you!

All of us are destined to have at least one heartbreak. Its one of those unwritten rules.  Its vital, important, must-do, obligatory and all the other synonyms you can think of.

And yes, there is no escaping it, You cannot run away from or hide from it, even if you try to, it comes chasing right after you.

You may want to seem strong to the world outside but deep inside you know you are broken.

Off load

A really big and important part of me decided to part ways with me. It wasn't sudden. I saw it coming since the day it became a part of me.


I've been such a fool.

Midnight

Lying by your side,



Under the midnight’s spell


Tiny lights flickering in the dark


Enough to glow your moistened skin


The smell of young lust


The creases on your forhead


The sound of the leaving bell


And the crickets outside


They ought to stay  mute


They ought to forget the night

under the midnight's spell

You are what you read

A very funny thing happened today. I and my roommate were having a very casual conversation. She suddenly looks at my stack of books on the rack and says, "The other day X came to our room and couldn't believe you read all that. She didn't know you were smart enough to read James Joyce." I couldn't help but smile. Sometimes it makes me wonder how many people on this planet are judging me right now? I wear pink does that mean I am a bimbette? I love shopping, so that makes me a spoilt brat? I don't scream out of my lungs to  put forward a point in class, so does that make me dumb? I don't publicize myself so does that mean I am not good enough?

It is very surprising how we have categories for people and how we put them in these categories in spite of not knowing them enough. It amazes me how little we think of each other and so much about ourselves. What makes us gloat or be pompous to the extent of making exhibitions of ourselves. Why do we feel the need to prove a point all the time?

Co-incidentally I was having a conversation with another friend who happened to tell me how I don't feel the need to be out there. Well yes she is right.

Right now

I hate loathe being taken for granted. It is settling in quick and I do not like it one bit. Just because I am not obnoxiously upfront doesn’t mean I do not mind, it just means I am being patient. And one should under no condition test it beyond a point. Do not drive me to do things I don’t want to because if I do, I won’t regret them under this condition. I see no wrong in it right now.



I don’t scream or shout. I am not difficult. All I ask for is a little bit of this and that which comes for no money. All it takes is a red heart. A big one.


I am not threatening or warning. I am simply speaking to my blog.

Special one

Some incidents teach you rather big lessons in life. I have learnt one today, it doesn’t matter how many read what you write, how many understand and how many acknowledge. When what you write touches one heart, it matters. When what you write makes a difference to a life, it matters. When what you write brings a smile on someone’s face, it matters. These are the people who matter and when they read, its more than enough. This one was for you Bani.



Wishing you oodles of much deserved love.

Black and white memories in colour

“She is a dark baby, but looks like a beautiful angel to me”, were his words in a letter written to my aunt. I lost him when I was three. It was a scary evening, but all I remember of that incident is my grandmother’s silent tears on our terrace. It’s strange my mother says, in spite of the fact that I was pretty much on the non impressionable side of my memory, I have vivid visuals of our times together. I remember his bottle of Old Monk, I remember him taking me to a nearby Tapri and smoking his lungs out, often under the pretext of walking me to the park, which never happened. I remember him lying on the armchair, with at least four books by his side. His collections of readers digest, now passed on to me just like other books he loved keeping. I still have the glasses he used to read with.
Him humming old classics while holding me in his arms. He used to call me a scarecrow, considering I was a puny baby, though no one can say that about me now. I remember how he used to stay up nights whenever I lay sick. I have heard many a stories about him, both good and bad. He was a handsome army man with a tinge of humor and oodles of intelligence. He was quite a ladies man grandma used to say. Though short-lived am glad I had him. He inspires me to be brave, to stand my ground, to be who I am without any fears. I love you a lot Tatha and will always miss you.

Stu

I miss you when there is no one to understand my silence
I miss you when I look pretty
I miss you when images in my head speak
And it’s only you who can take a peek

I miss you when I have no one to take long walks with
I miss you when all I need is just a hug
I miss you when the little girl in me is scared
And it’s only you who can calm me down

I miss you when I have no one to hold my hand
I miss you when I am at crossroads,
I miss you when I long for those conversations
And it’s only you who can turn my brain on

Me a Fairy?

Turn me into a fairy,
with a little white dress
washed wings over my shoulders,
and a love wand of stars

"Do I look pretty in this new garb?"
I ask my mother with ever curious eyes
"you are my angel, my sunshine" she says
Her lips blow a kiss and I smile

She knows her beautiful girl inside out
her soft hand clutching my palms
we walk away we walk far
None know where we are?

Aunts and uncles who always know it all
"green eyed monsters", I wish I could call
they bark and they scratch
they look and they stare

Me the little fairy with broken wings
me the prey to the monster's grin
"Save me mama" I cry

Honest truth

I may not have profound things to talk about, I may not be random enough for your taste, but whatever I do I have always been true to us. I write truth and I breathe truth.

I may not have painted the world, but I am a connoisseur of colours. I take the brush and I paint a stroke of truth.

I may not have it all sorted out, but I know am going to be good, good enough to make you happy, good enough to be true

I may not be beautiful, but I wont hide my flaws either, because that is again the truth and I will never run away from my scars

I may have not known a million things, but am always eager to learn more. I am always a true student.

I may not be the best lover, but all I know is that my love is true, that my tears are true and my joys are true.....

Most favourite place on Earth

It was perfect
You and I
like an early morning dream
that never dies

My First

I did something I have been wanting to do for a very long time. I got my first tattoo. Frankly I did not have to think too much about what I wanted, I had visions of it in mind.

A fish!

Thats me! Its so me!

Now the story goes way back in 1988, November 06 the day I was born. My mum noticed something very peculiar as the doctor gave me in her arms, though she was checking to make sure that her baby had all limbs and senses in place, she noticed a thing that he li'l daughter was born with, two tiny holes (read: gills) on either side of her face above the ears. She did not freak out, she smiled to herself and asked the doctor what exactly was that.

Tiring as my journey was I pretty much slept through that conversation between mother and the doctor.


Fast forward to the year 2000 when it all began. Excruciating, unbearable pain, what I though was a sign of difference turned out to be such a bane.

I had to get my gills closed.

Fast Forward to year 2007, I missed them and thats when i thought I will get a tattoo . A fish. It all made sense. My name in Sanskrit if broken down as a Sandhi means Meen (Fish) + aakshi (eyes) i.e. eyes that are of the shape of a fish...which is true by the way. I love my eyes. And I love my dad for being so thoughtful.

I always felt like a fish- loved water (though I cant swim), aquariums are my favourite hangout places...dont know how many times I might have entered the Taraporewala one on Marine drive. It all fell in place...

And there you go, my first one, in memory of my gills , will always miss them...

A shot!!

It’s been quite a while since I have actually poured my heart out. I have a certain problem with explaining people certain things, may be am too blunt, or I don’t make sense, or people just don’t get it. Lot of times I end up getting frustrated putting across a certain point which ultimately drives me to the extent that I feel like jumping off my building or hang myself to the ceiling fan. But it’s quite strange how few people just have this knack of understanding every bit you say without asking for any further explanations. My Devil, yeah that’s you...My all time favourite agony uncle! Love you so much for being there. I know I exploit our association and take you for granted but am sure you won’t complain. Yes it is quite a relief to know that someone has brains to understand what the fuck you are talking about.
In spite of having hundreds of friends, one feels lonely. There have been times when my parents have irritated me or people close to me have hurt me and at such times I have felt highly remorseful. Even to share a bit of that anger I haven’t been able to find a single genuine good listener. I felt as if I was going to burden a person by telling him/her about my feelings more importantly my sadness. So I chose not to let anyone know and tried to be happy. I am a kind of person who wouldn’t make a huge hue and cry about something and even if I do it will always wear off within minutes. Not that I don’t enjoy sharing but the only problem is that people tend to misinterpret my perception of my own problem which later on becomes problematic during the course of the discussion. For example like yesterday I was telling a friend how I seem to have lost few goals that I had set for myself, few short term goals. And he thought I was suggesting him through my example that he is a loser. These are the times when I feel like an idiot for having initiated a conversation.
I think it’s high time I make a list of things I am often accused of:-
“1) You are hyper and very impulsive.
2 You take things on its face value
3) You complain a lot.
4) You think a lot.
5) You need to loosen up a little.”
This is generally what people around me most of the time tell me. I accept everything and I also try to make a conscious effort of avoiding these instincts.

This post was just a random shot. So I wrote about a host of things. Right from relationships, to human behaviour, to things that I observe and the list might just continue till I feel I am drained out. Till the next one…

Cheers

THE LAST LOOK AT THE MIRROR.......

I look at the mirror
dazed and unfazed
my eyes speak a million
the marathon that never ends

I see the unnoticed truth
kept under wraps away from the sun.
Failing to acknowledge,
I stare with a sudden jerk

" Its in pieces..." I cry with a shout
the amber behind houls out loud.
putting an end to the fantasy..
putting an end to life!

sleep like a baby

sleep like a baby,
sleep like a baby, the wind will sing you a song
sleep like a baby....the leaves will calm you down
sleep in the silence, the peace that you need
rest in my arms, I will drive you to the moon
our house rests there on the snowey peak...
will drive away the cold,
coz u in my embrace, light the fire of my love
for u to feel warm
the night will guard us,
when we make love.
Our union was destined...
sanctity along
now sleep like a baby...
as u rest in ma arms!

Not for me!

Love is not for me,
going around the same ol' mulberry...
Speaks to millions on the way...
but has not ever woken me again.

Looking thorugh the windows of hope
I saw it rushing like a cold wind blown..
dark leaves and the browns fade away,
resting in peace like they always stay.

He borrowed the joys my heart had stored
leaving behind an empty room..
locked away in the chest of the old house
like a wine that lives alone..

I thought i'd age with you..
made me imagine my hands tremble with yours
am a ripe fruit yet...
forgotten before the prime could begin!

Rains wash me away!

RAINS ARE HERE, SWAYING TO THE GOD'S TUNE....
MAKE ME LAUGH AND CRY OUT IN JOY,
LIKE A LI'L CHILD IN THE CRADLE OF LIFE..
SMILING THROUGH THE DRENCHED LEAVES...
LIKE A CUCKOO SITTING ON THE DISTANT NEST....
MOVING AWAY FROM THE DUST THAT SETTLED LONG AGO,
I SEE YOU COMING DOWN IN A RUSH TO CALM OUR LIVES.....
LET ME MAKE THE MOST OF IT,
BECAUSE I WILL MISS YOU FOR ANOTHER SEASON...
WHEN YOU WILL REST.

A man should always keep a track of all the happy moments that maketh his life! says who? Says me...... :)

These days nothing seems to make me sad except for a few incidents that are to be forgotten with passing time. But overall it has been a great period of life.

Work keeps me busy, friends keep me happy and a secret infatuation keeps me giggling. It is nothing but just a feel good factor, a passing though amidst the mundane cycle of my hectic schedule. Even when I lay in sickness all I do is smile in between the regular bouts of coughs and sneeze out virus every second minute.

So as i take out some time and move off my bed, I see the world waiting to embrace me and I stand in ecstacy to reciprocate. Hope this phase stays on and never fades away...